Why Guilt, Humiliation, and Embarrassment are not the Same as Shame - Part III
An educational series on identifying and curing shame…
While we’ve collectively become better at naming how we feel, sometimes descriptions are misused either accidentally or for a dramatic effect.
It’s important to know the difference because, as previously discussed in AH’s last post, either in ourselves or lovingly observing others, shame drives us to the darkest corners of solitary confinement in POG. The place where unspeakable, mental horrors happen…
The more we can strengthen our emotional intelligence, the better we are at a jail break either for us or a fellow inmate!
In Brené Brown’s book, I Thought it was Just Me (But It Isn’t), she makes these distinctions:
“Guilt and shame are both emotions of self-evaluation…”
“Recognizing we’ve made a mistake is far different than believing we are a mistake.”
“…the difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between I am bad (shame) and I did something bad (guilt).”
“Shame is about who we are and guilt is about our behaviors.”
“Guilt is holding an action or behavior up against our ethics, values and beliefs. We evaluate that behavior (like cheating) and feel guilt when that behavior is inconsistent with who we want to be. Shame is focusing on who we are rather than what we’ve done.”
“shame is often more destructive than humiliation for two reasons. First, it’s bad enough to have a child labeled “stupid” at school, but it’s far more detrimental if the child actually believes she is stupid.
Second, I’m finding that the child who experiences humiliation rather than shame is much more likely to come home and tell a parent or caregiver about her experience than the child who experiences shame.”
“The child who feels shame internalizes the messages and often starts to act out or shut down.”
“repeated humiliation can often turn into shame.”
“Embarrassment is, by definition, something that is fleeting, often eventually funny and very normal (e.g., tripping, mis-speaking, etc.).” “…we know (or at least have heard) that it happens to other people and we know it will go away.”
In Summary:
Guilt, humiliation, and embarrassment are temporary and do not sink into the deeper roots of our identities. They serve as sources for self-deprecation and can keep us humble.
Whereas shame is a squatter that could be around for years, decades, even a lifetime. It’s the silent assailant that renovates our inner world, taking small bits of insecurities and builds them into enormous flaws, cementing them into our foundation.
We have to evict this emotion…
**Author’s Note: This series is based on Brené Brown’s book, I Thought it was Just Me (But It Isn’t). Besides the other reference links, the quotes here are excerpts from it.**
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